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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 15, 2020 19:55:33 GMT -5
24155. Jean Dubois, one step from another meeting with stewards.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2020 21:11:54 GMT -5
24155. I wish I could live without constantly having some health worries. This time it's about something I've caused myself...
I knew the issues about ketamine potentially causing bladder/kidney damage, and I guess I tried to be careful with it, at first. But I did start noticing certain signs that the use has affected me in a negative way. What did I do? I went to the internet and started reading about people who get away with much more serious use so I guess my recreational fun isn't anything to be worried about, right? Well, those symptoms started to get worse and worse and this year I finally decided to reduce my use because it started giving me some problems.
I haven't touched the drug in 1.5 months now and while I don't have any apparent issues I still don't feel totally normal. And why I'm posting this tonight is that I kinda panicked earlier after reading about this study that said the damage might not be repairable at all. There might already be enough scar tissue in my bladder that prevents it from healing and functioning normally. And now I'm just wondering if this has really just happened to me... It seems I might've been one of those people who're more sensitive to the damage because honestly I haven't used any ridiculous amounts. It'd be a shame if this is actually permanent.
The funny thing is that this isn't even my main health worry right now, and even though this does seem a bit serious I just don't have mental capacity to concentrate on it too much. I'm gonna quit using it completely and see if I start feeling more normal but until then I have other things to worry about.
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Post by welshylad on Apr 16, 2020 3:32:28 GMT -5
24157.
Working from home, looking after a 3 year old . Watching Frozen 1 & 2 for the 3000th time
Frozen 2 >> >> Frozen 1 , btw
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 16, 2020 12:35:19 GMT -5
24158. Jos Verbeeck, you're a bad influence.
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Post by megyesitomate on Apr 16, 2020 12:44:23 GMT -5
24157. Working from home, looking after a 3 year old . Watching Frozen 1 & 2 for the 3000th time Frozen 2 >> >> Frozen 1 , btw The soundtrack of the first one is better I think. I can't imagine how you cope with that eerie scream of the second film though. Would drive my up the wall.
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 16, 2020 13:28:58 GMT -5
24160. Bunbury tomorrow Best 510 Im Batman
(Thank God France only goes to 50 behind, poor Im Batman who has 90)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2020 13:53:33 GMT -5
24159. The good news of the day is that I'm getting better at dealing with panic attacks. The bad news is, well, I got another panic attack...
This time I thought I was going to have a fucking stroke which is a bit silly but I think I had enough reasons to consider it as well. I've had this weird visual distortion, double vision or something and it's caused me some headaches especially on the right side of my head lately. I'm pretty fucking sure this is because I still haven't got the glasses I've been meaning to get for 3 years now... But no, today I was sure it's a stroke symptom. "Why do I raise my left cheek more when smiling? Why does the left side of my face seem more "active"? Didn't these symptoms get more prominent after I overdosed on 4MMC back in November? What if that ~4 hour blackout was actually a ministroke? I remember having an awful headache after that... And now, is it happening again?"
I even tried to play guitar to see if my playing was affected and there was one line in a song I knew that I just couldn't sing at all. It was like my brain was giving me error for trying to say those words... Didn't help my panic. But it's all good now, I even tried to play the song again and played it normally. Think it was more about a timing thing that didn't seem to work while panicking. I think the biggest problem again was that I was alone. Because my mind just went "if there's even a 0.1% chance something is wrong, there won't be anyone in the house looking for you so you better make sure you find a way to make it out of this alive". But when I tried to make myself calm down I recognised the thought process from my last panic attack and I remembered how sure I was something was wrong and in the end it was nothing but a panic attack, and it helped me to get over it.
I'm gonna get my vision checked again and hopefully get glasses soon so there's one less thing to worry about. Also if there seems to be anything wrong I could deal with it. My dad actually had a blood clot near his eye 20 years ago that made him lose his vision temporarily so I guess it wouldn't be too far-fetched to say I could be in danger to something similar, especially given my recent habits.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2020 13:42:51 GMT -5
21451. I also wonder when my high resting heart rate becomes a problem. I did just have a cup of coffee so that might factor to it but while I was lying on the couch I measured it at 95. How long is my heart gonna be able to keep up with it? Hope it's just alcohol withdrawal or something, normally it's stayed at 85 or something.
Honestly I feel like my body is close of failing. I just don't know which part is going to give up first. Also maybe I should start worrying about corona after all (surprisingly that's one thing that still hasn't bothered me), because I don't feel like I'm in full health currently. Also I did have some respiratory problems as a kid, basically I was exposed to mold and I had to use asthma medications for years. While it got better eventually it probably had a permanent impact on my respiratory system so fuck knows how I'd react to the virus.
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 17, 2020 19:54:10 GMT -5
21452. Bunbury again tonight Best 803 Gary Hall Jnr is a dolphin SUGAR STREET
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 17, 2020 21:11:15 GMT -5
21452. Tomorrow is going to be hilarious, Dubois will be as amused as me! Go the (other) See You soon 😂😂😂😂😂
Edit: Impressed with Diorissima. Well done Wolfie. 👍
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 18, 2020 13:41:25 GMT -5
21454. Jagrsro tomorrow Best (😂) 406 See You Soon
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 19, 2020 9:40:32 GMT -5
21457. Again: Trotter: Aubrion Du Gers Thoroughbred: Enable/Spiritual Warrior Jumper: Sizing John Coach: Jean Etienne Dubois/JMB Owner: Woodpark stud/Ecurie JMB Jockey: Lucy Warwick in Australia, Robbie Power in Europe Driver: JMB Gallop track: Goulburn Races: Anything NOT won by Winx, especially the Arc! Trotting track: Redcliffe Stallion: Toss out
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Post by welshylad on Apr 20, 2020 2:39:55 GMT -5
21458.
Paul Potts is my neighbour, he's been doing live gigs every Sunday night out on his balcony
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 21, 2020 4:43:07 GMT -5
Best Globe Derby 601 Super Nerd Best Bathurst tomorrow 105 Angel Shark (do do do do)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2020 12:51:47 GMT -5
21460. Tuned my guitar to CGDABD and it's been really fun to play it today and learn different chord shapes, etc. No wonder that kind of open tunings are popular in noise rock, you get so much more freedom for different voicing. With some distortion and fuzz the sound is pretty fucking great.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2020 19:52:56 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2020 20:24:44 GMT -5
21462. The weird thing is that lamp thing actually brings me flashbacks to some of my lucid dreams. It's a weird feeling when you realise something is off and suddenly the world you think was real (the dream) doesn't seem so familiar and there's a huge shift in your perception. The actual moment when you realise it's a dream is hard to describe but to me it feels like someone grabs the remote and suddenly turns on the sound which you didn't realise was actually muted, but instead of sound it was actually your own consciousness that had been muted.
I found the story through /r/salvia because people are saying salvia is causing similar "dreams" or fake memories. I actually really want to try it because I have a feeling I'm the sort of person who might actually enjoy it in some twisted way. Pharmacologically it's not that different from ketamine (both are NMDA-receptor antagonists) but salvia seems stronger and is also a strong k-opioid agonist. I have a feeling the actual trip has lots of similar elements to a k-hole which I've always found really fascinating. Unfortunately because of tolerance and even more importantly because of my bladder health I'm probably not able keep using ketamine for now so maybe I can actually try to replace it with salvia because it doesn't seem to carry many physical risks. Salvia is a bit hardcore I guess, even DMT seems to be a lighter trip... But I know I've always loved dissociatives, and the main thing about them that might seem scary to some is the feeling of possibly dying, but to me in that dissociated state it's not actually scary at all, more like fascinating... Almost every time I've been in a k-hole I have this constant feeling that I might suddenly wake up from a simulation or something it's never been an unpleasant feeling. If salvia is anything like that at all I could probably use it the same way.
I think I'd just start off by chewing the leaves instead of smoking any of those strong extracts. Because it can be really fucking strong and I wouldn't be surprised if it put me in an absolute state of terror if I used it incorrectly.
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 22, 2020 4:49:46 GMT -5
*throws Van Overmeire into the sea* Stay there.
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 22, 2020 10:53:42 GMT -5
Kinda feel bad for Luke Tarrant. Cassidy probably did something to irk him. #freeTarrant
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2020 15:16:12 GMT -5
21464. Another self reflective post...
I've noticed my mood's been much better this week. I stopped daily drinking, I've been trying to concentrate on eating healthy food and I've been supplementing regularly. I have no desire to use drugs right now (even though I have over 10 grams of ketamine and some 3-ho-pcp left), I really want to have a proper rest from all the bad habits and concentrate on getting actually healthy. I want to see if there's gonna be any noticeable changes if I'm clean for the next months while supplementing with vitamins, antioxidants and other stuff that enhances brain/organ function and growth, I'm genuinely curious if I can notice an improvement. I've also been without porn for almost 2 months now so no more easy dopamine kicks (quitting that habit has been at least 10 times harder than any drug I've tried btw... fucking hell).
Gonna see a doctor about some health issues in two days so after that I should have more insight on my future. I have no idea how bad the situation is, and the good thing is that it's nothing life threatening but at the same time if it's actually something that might not be fixable anymore (and i assume it might even be the case...) then it's gonna force me to change my life in many ways. The biggest question is if I'm ready for the change. I've been feeling more positive about it lately but I do still have big mood swings that are related to it so it's not gonna be easy. But I guess there are still many things that make life worth living.
I woke up feeling a bit shit this morning, took me hours to get out of bed and when I went to get some tea my mum said good morning to me with an uplifting voice. I replied back with a moody grunt but when I got back to my room it got me thinking that I don't wanna be like this and my mood started improving quickly because I know she's the kind of person who gets easily worried and I thought if I'm in a good mood then she'll feel better. I rarely show my appreciation to my family but I really do care about them and even though I'm struggling sometimes I don't want it to affect them.
I've decided to stop using ketamine not only because of the possible bladder/kidney damage but also because it's neurotoxic with frequent use and I got this realisation that if I continue using substances they will affect me. I don't wanna become one of those burnouts with a mumbling speech and slow brain functioning. I'm already noticing signs of what might be coming so I think it's a good time to pull breaks. I won't stop drugs completely but I think it's time to get some sense again and be smart with them. Even though I had plenty of knowledge about harm reduction I started becoming way too confident with my use and I was literally pushing my limits, and it all culminated to the end of last year and early 2020. I still want to keep using psychedelics and MDMA with my friends but I think it will be quality over quantity from now on. Also I've been reading so much about supplementing lately and I think it's actually possible to use MDMA somewhat regularly with very minimal damage. It's almost 2 months since I last used it and in a couple of months I'll probably try it again and that'll be the moment when I find out if the supplementation has any impact. If it does, then that's huge news because it could mean I could have somewhat regular rolls without necessarily ever losing the special feeling from it because unlike normally, the brain will have more neurotransmitters and antioxidants to fight the oxidative stress from the drug. That prevents the downregulation in receptors which is one of the main reasons the effects start fading eventually and the "magic loss" will happen.
The funny thing is that I actually get lots of pleasure from doing some extra work (research, etc.) if it means I can be more hedonistic with my life. It's almost like figuring out some cheat codes for life. I guess drugs in many ways are already those cheat codes but they can backfire in so many ways that they obviously aren't worth it in the long run for most people. BUT, I still believe I can balance between the positives and negatives, and with the right kind of approach I can keep the positive side high enough for them to be worth it for me. I still would say the overall impact of drugs in my life has been more positive than negative but I've definitely had some missteps that I wouldn't do again. But if I can eliminate them more efficiently and find even better methods for using them (like the right kind of supplementation which I mentioned + smarter dosing, tolerance breaks, etc.), then possibly it could work well. I know for sure the psychedelic euphoria (especially combined with MDMA) is enough for lifting huge weights from my shoulders when it's genuinely needed and if I time those special occasions well throughout the year then it might be the right kind of motivation for me to keep my spirits up even when I'm feeling low at times.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2020 16:02:57 GMT -5
21465. And even though I'm definitely a thrill seeker in many ways, there'a strong part in me that really makes me careful with a lot of things. Especially when I was younger I'd notice this by being into "extreme sports" but I never managed to make the jump from being "good" to very good because I just couldn't handle risks as well as others. And now more recently I've noticed this with my alcohol and drug use; I can push my limits but in the end I never get properly addicted or in bigger trouble because I always get this feeling that it's getting time to push the brakes. Of course accidents happen and that "instinct" won't save me from everything but I've definitely learnt to trust it over the years and now I'm glad to have it even though at times I've felt like I'm almost too careful sometimes.
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 22, 2020 18:01:08 GMT -5
21466. Wow, just wow. Relative of Tarrant defending the sook. Yes Cassidy took a shot at his mother but grown men don't become violent
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Post by theyknowwhatimean on Apr 23, 2020 17:42:00 GMT -5
21,467.
And thanks for the trouble you took from her eyes. I thought it was there for good, so I never tried.
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 23, 2020 21:10:00 GMT -5
21468. Response to Trump's latest idea:
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Apr 24, 2020 6:55:37 GMT -5
21469. Rest now Gavin, you were brave not just behind horses but against Lyphoma:
😭😭😭
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